Cat pilling world

That is where we are going to live for awhile. I've got four old-timers (referring to the cats), and have had to give plenty of medication through the years. Alex has been the one getting most of it for a long time. He's got Inflammatory Bowel Disease, so he's been on a pill schedule of generally every other day. He's used to it and handles it OK, mainly because it was just one pill, plus Alex is pushing 16 years old and has lost down to 7 lbs -- so not the tough guy he used to be.

Last week, he had meds added (antibiotics for a few weeks) so that now he is getting four pills twice a day... [sigh, this is not going well]... and Duncan is now a sick boy and needs two pills twice a day. 12 pills need to be swallowed by cats here, per day. That's a lot of pokes in the puss.

It's not going well, in fact, it's starting to be overwhelming. We've lost a couple of Duncan's doses - one by trying to sneak it in food, and one through one of those freaked-out cat incidents where all we end up with are spitty crumbles on the carpet and scratches. Those are on us. Duncan is barely eating food at all anyway, he's eaten no more than a few teaspoons of food for days. This evening we will try to dissolve the meds and give by syringe. Fun for all.

Alex, who was OK with a pill every other day, is in flat out revolt over having to take as many as 8 per day. This morning's session was a towel-wrapped drool-flinging disaster where, again, we got a carpet full of spitty crumbs and I got my finger bitten. That's what happens when you try stick it down the mouth of a very disgruntled cat. Alex has been getting sneaky snacks of the other cat's prescription food, and loving it, so this evening we ground up his dose into that food. He won't go near it. I'm keeping a tally of lost pills. Nearly exasperated here.

The graphic at the top came from this page, which has hilarious (but dead serious) instructions on how to easily pill a cat. Riiiiight... why didn't I just gently tilt the head back, etc. What was I thinking? Geez!

I prefer this set of instructions, which have made the rounds. At least it's intentionally funny. Instructions for dogs also included.

How To Pill a Cat

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat gently in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home and order new dining table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and contact local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Pill a Dog

1. Wrap it in bacon.

I am wondering if it might be easier to pill a snake... or a crocodile.
Cartoon from Kev's Cartoons.

Tags: Cats - Catblogging