Monday, June 20, 2011

Sex rules

Sorry if I over-tantalized you with that post title. You know those lists directed at the opposite gender... usually called "The Rules?" I think the first volley was probably directed at men and new versions keep going back and forth, customized through mass-mailing and such. MrB sent me this (as a joke, of course... I couldn't possibly be guilty of any of this or in need of any improvement).
All right Ladies… Here are your rules.
  1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
  3. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  5. Crying is blackmail.
  6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!
  7. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
  8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  9. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.
  10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
  11. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  12. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
  13. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.
  14. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
  15. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us act like soap opera guys.
  16. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.
  17. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
  20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it... and quit whining to your girlfriends.
  21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
  22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
  23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
  24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!
  27. It is neither in your best interest, or ours, to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
OK, my first reaction to these is that men who feel this way about their female partners should maybe consider getting a male partner instead.

Yes, indeed, it appears that males and females are generally very different in their communication styles. I don't believe that it's a sexist comment to make note of that.

Re: #8: I have probably ~30 pairs of shoes, and keeping them all. No need for debate. Last time I asked MrB for shoe advice, I put on an unmatched pair (wanting him to pick the best one out of the two) and he said "those look fine."

Re #10 "Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do." This illustrates a fundamental difference in typical male and female styles. I don't always talk about my problems because I am seeking (or even desiring) solutions. The talking about them is the only thing going on. It's the means and the end. It's how we roll.

The most glaring hypocrisy in this rules for women list is #11 "Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for." and #20" ... and quit whining to your girlfriends." Well, which is it?

The female to male rules were much harsher, I think. Here is one that I pared down to 25 from an original 50 rules for men.
  1. Don't lie.
  2. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
  3. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
  4. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
  5. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
  6. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
  7. Her cooking is excellent. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
  8. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
  9. Two words: clean socks.
  10. Burping is not sexy.
  11. You're wrong.
  12. You're sorry.
  13. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
  14. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
  15. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
  16. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
  17. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
  18. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
  19. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
  20. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
  21. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
  22. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
  23. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
  24. Her haircut is never bad.
  25. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
Wow. First of all, what blatant hypocrisy and sexism. Re #1 "Don't lie." That's my #1 rule if you want to be my buddy too... but then it goes on to order the poor guy to lie about nearly everything. Maybe you do look fat, sometimes your haircut is not the greatest, sometimes you are wearing something that your partner thinks is unflattering or embarrassing - and the truth is that there's always someone else who's a better lover and better-looking than you. Stop asking for lies and truth at the same time. It confuses people.

Re: #2 Are you kidding?
Re: #13 Bullshit. Nothing wrong with living together.
Re: #15 I like this one. It makes me feel like someone cares.
Re: #25 So the rules are not supposed to be fair and it's because of childbirth? Is that how you want it? I never birthed a baby and never will, so I must be exempt from this.

This would be my little list of Rules:
  1. Don't lie.
  2. Respect my opinion if it's based on expertise or experience. It doesn't mean you have to agree, though. Sometimes I'm wrong. I will admit it if that happens. You do the same.
  3. Don't decide what I will order in a restaurant. I am an adult.
  4. I can open my own door, pull out my own chair and usually pull on my own coat. If I am physically unable to do these things for some reason, then, yeah... a little help would be nice.
  5. Dates to remember will be written on the calendar. Forgetting will be forgiven, unless it's my birthday. A card will suffice.
  6. Soap is our friend.
  7. I am not a lady, I don't know what that means since it means something different to each person. I am a woman.
  8. Don't assume I like chick-flicks, cut flowers, or baby showers.
  9. Get that nasty-ass cigar away from me. I don't care what gender you are.
Here's another women-to-men list in case anyone needs more abuse: If it itches, wash it, Chicago Tribune.

1 comment:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I do declare, I must fan myself most vigorously after reading that post title. MOST vigorously!