New Rules for 2006

My friend Jazz sent these out, and they're pretty good... so here they are:

1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

3: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

6: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

7: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a major, major jerk.

8: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

9: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

10: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show"

11: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

12: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

13: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's looting.

14: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. I was just making small talk.

15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

Be Here To Love Me

On KUT's Texas Music Matters on Sunday there was an hour-long show about Townes Van Zandt. This is really an excellent listen! It's a podcast, an mp3 stream that you can click on and listen through the browser.

I wasn't all that familiar with Townes before moving here, other than having heard his songs sung by other people, like "Pancho and Lefty" and "White Freightliner". Actually I'm still not familiar enough with him yet. He's a singer/songwriter's singer/songwriter (that's a mouthful) and is regarded by many to be one of the greatest songwriters who ever lived. He died in 1997 on New Year's Day, the anniversary of Hank Williams' passing, but he is still there like a ghost practically every time somebody gets up on stage and plays guitar, esp. if the leaning is a little folksy, rootsy, or just plain ol' Texan. They don't want to leave the stage until they've played something by Townes (sort of the folk equivalent of Stevie Ray Vaughan). We saw "Walk the Line" at the Alamo Drafthouse (which is a really great movie, by the way) and saw the preview for a documentary coming out about Townes called "Be Here to Love Me", appropriately before watching a biopic on yet another messed-up but much more famous legend. I'm hoping we can make it to a screening (which Austin, of course, will get before most places, see the link above for screening dates and more information). If not, it's sure to be available on DVD, which might even be a better way to see it... more time to watch things twice and let them soak in.

Townes Van Zandt website - Music - Austin - Texas -

These are a few of my favorite things...

...besides whiskers on kittens. My friend Deb sent me this airplane.

I am posting a few of my favorite irreverent or scroogy Christmas events, rants and other offerings. I think it helps me get through the otherwise depressing holiday season by just laughing some of it off.

Here's the grandmother who stole the nativity baby Jesus. I guess grandmothers are expected to be more well-behaved than other people for some reason.

I guess you could call this one Santa's Slain. The guy has put up a decoration generally thought more appropriate for Halloween and since this is Christmas... well then that's ALL different (and doesn't Christmas start the day after Halloween? Sure seems like it). There's a poll on the page to see what you think of it. Somehow I think that this was bound to be unpopular in Oklahoma.

Spinal Tap had a Christmas record called "Christmas With the Devil", but I'm not 100% sure this Karkis video is for real. Looks like a spoof, but I am not now, nor have I ever been really up on the metal scene. Anyway, it's pretty entertaining and very Tappish. The Most Badass Video Ever Seen by Human Eyes, or... S-A-N-T-A = S-A-T-A-N

And here's Mark Morford's rant. I'm feeling better already.

- Scrooge - Christmas -

Excellent start for December

Thursday, "Bring Back Maria's Arms" benefit

Thursday night was a very "Austin" night. We went to Maria's Taco Xpress for the benefit she was throwing to raise money to replace the arms on her statue. Some punk-ass jerks thought it be cool to climb up on her roof and cut them off.

Sara Hickman and Alejandro Escovedo played, and admission was only $10 which included a taco and drink. I have blogged on Maria's place before, but had not yet seen Alejandro play a gig there. He's a good friend of Maria from way back, donated the music stage there, and is part of the mural that's painted on the side of the building.

It was a chilly night (here goes the Texas whining on my part), 50 degrees or below and the show was outside. There was a fire-pit placed right in front of the stage, and a few propane heaters but we still had our jackets on. Also the sound was bad, (too loud and occasionally feedbacky) it was very crowded, and people were yacking their heads off... but it was still one of the most memorable times I've had for awhile. I've seen Alejandro quite a few times, but this time is my favorite -- hands down. It was just him on acoustic and the awesome Brian Standefer on cello. He only played about 5 songs, and the way he sang them was just so heartfelt. Just beautiful, and the setting made it seem like he was playing in someone's backyard. In the pic, that's Jody Denberg from KGSR leaning on the railing.

Alejandro has had some serious health problems for the past few years, and it's always great to see him out doing stuff and playing. He said he was going to LA the next day to begin recording his next album. He is one of our Austin treasures.

Friday, Austin Music Hall, KGSR Party

The Greencards return to Austin and Central Texas!! They came from overseas, but we claim them as Austinites forever. Their latest "Weather and Water" is a real desert island type disk. It's a treasure. I'm so proud of their success, I've always had faith in them doing well and things have gone even better than expected. Do check them out, they are generally compared to Allison Krauss and Nickel Creek, and I think that's fair on many points although their sound is their own. This was a private party thrown by KGSR at the Music Hall where you had to win tickets or know someone to get in.

The music was from 7:30 sharp until probably midnight, and not many breaks. It was The Greencards, surprise guest Buddy Miller, Kathleen Edwards (I need to get her new CD), surprise guest Michele Shocked, then finished up with an absolutely rockin' set by Rodney Crowell. The whole show just knocked my socks off! This pic of the 'Cards isn't great, but they didn't allow flash at the show, so we still used flash for a couple but kept a distance so as to not be as noticeable.

Saturday (today)

These cats actually let me get enough sleep. A beautiful day in store, temps in the 80s today and gorgeous. Tonight we will go and see "Walk the Line". I love Saturday.

- Music - Austin - Alejandro Escovedo - Rodney Crowell - The Greencards - KGSR -

Sick Lonely Boy

I heard that Henry Garza of Los Lonely Boys was too sick to play last night in Houston, causing the band to cancel opening for the Rolling Stones.

I hope he's going to be alright, because I think that I'd have to be nearly dead to cancel that. Oh well.

Thinking wistfully back to the days when I could afford to see the Rolling Stones.
sigh...

- Music - Austin - Texas - Rolling Stones -

Friday Cat TV Content Blocker

Jax: Ummm... you got this new TV and digital cable to watch J. Edgar Hoover in some scratchy old thing in black and white on the History Channel? Where's the remote?

- Friday Ark - Carnival of the Cats - This week's carnival is at When Cats Attack on Sunday - Cats - Catblogging -

I'm Tom Waits

Tom Waits... charismatic story-teller with a
penchant for freaky people and unusual
settings. You thrive on the concept of the
underdog coming out on top.

Which fucked-up genius composer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

5052 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 23070 times.
22% of people had this result.

- Found on Dadahead

How may I ruin your day?

Ever work retail? It is tragic the way the quality of customer service has deteriorated, but there are lots of reasons for it. For one thing, it sucks working for some megalo-mart where the pay is low, the work is hard and unchallenging, the hours are bad, you have no identity as a human being, plus customers can be real jerks sometimes. I found a forum where people who work with the public can blow off some steam called "Customers Suck". Note: there is a "Blueberry" posting over there but it's not me.

I found a link there to an article about customers getting cashiers fired because they forgot to verbally mention an Xtreme Value item to the customer. If the customer points out that they forgot to mention it, the item is free! Trouble is that after 3 slip-ups on the cashier's part, the poor schmuck loses his or her job. Of course, the main blame here resides with the ruthless employee-unfriendly policies of the retail giant, an easy way to replace an old warm body with a new one. This story is disturbing and is going to change my attitude about taking advantage of a big retailer by legitimately claiming stuff. Sticking it to The Man is a fine concept, but it's good to keep in mind that The Big Guy is going let The Little Guy take the fall for him without feeling a thing. Ruthless.

I generally have a tolerant attitude toward the working person ringing me out. It helps if everyone tries to remember that we are all human and just trying to get through the day. Did you accidentally cheat me out of a dime? That's OK, it's not worth going ballistic over it. But, if you are a cashier, don't be mean to me for no reason. I realize it sucks to be you, but passing along your mis-directed aggression and frustrations onto an innocent victim like me is not going to get you anywhere. It's also not going to get me anywhere to do that to you.

So if everybody from the customer up to the fat-cat CEO would just make a few allowances for humanity once in a while, daily life would suck a whole lot less... especially this time of year when hostilities peak (where's that Jesus when you need him?)

- shopping - retail -

Unbearable!

Not sure how much cuteness you can stand, but the slideshow with this article should come close to pushing you over the edge.

If that's not enough, there's a Panda cam on the National Zoo website.

Just what I need... more "Dead" appliances!

Found this link through Dave Barry's blog (see sidebar). Jerry Garcia's toilets, dishwashers, freezer... I'd rather have the furniture though. It has not been a good year for appliances here, but looking at it that way, it's been a good year to replace them.

EDIT Dec. 1: R.I.P to our poor long-suffering microwave.

Johnny Cash Action Figure

The other JC being celebrated this season! I have still not seen Walk the Line, it was sold out when we tried to go, but definitely planning on seeing it. I grew up with his music, he was one of those rare artists that both my parents liked. Like that quote from The Blues Brothers movie about what kind of music they had at Bob's Country Bunker: "Both kinds! Country AND Western." My mother liked the more folksy stuff, western and Bluegrass: Jimmie Rodgers, Bill Monroe, Marty Robbins, Carter Family. My dad liked Honky-Tonk: Ray Price, Patsy Cline, Lefty Frizzell. But Johnny Cash suited them both, and I was always a fan as well. He was one-of-a-kind.

Get yours here. If you are in Austin, you can get one at Waterloo Records.

- Music - Austin - Johnny Cash -

This Utopia is too small for both of us!

I was reading this article on the Ten Stupidest Utopias, and thinking that almost any vision of a Utopia would get stupid quickly. Either that, or one person's ideal world would be another person's hell. Maybe it's as simple as being somewhere... anywhere else... and out of your current situation.

Would it be a place where there was peace? I am pro-peace and anti-war, but my real feeling about peace is that it will not exist as long as there are living beings. Life itself creates a war of survival. Even plants tangle each other out, I just don't know how they feel about it... heh heh... but people and other animals are never going to get along because they never have. Is it even possible?

This quote from Bertrand Russell sums it up:

This, however, is a passing nightmare; in time the earth will become again incapable of supporting life, and peace will return.
-- Bertrand Russell (attributed: source unknown)

Right now there is peace on the moon, but would you want to live there? You can get your moon real estate through a Chinese firm that is financed by the US-based Lunar Embassy, you can even reserve your extra-terrestrial domain name ending in things like .lunar, .space, and .uranus (now THAT's ambitious!) All I can say is that I'll be surprised if Wal-Mart hasn't already bought a few acres... just in case.

- Space - Moon -

My Stupid Score

This quiz is supposed to tell you how stupid you are. A high score is bad, lucky for me. grin