Friday, March 10, 2006

More than ready for the transition

I am still trying to hang in there by my fingernails, treading water without knowing how to swim, until my regular work hours are shortened to 20 per week at the D-A-Y-J-O-B by end of March. Several nice freelance projects working for people I like will be kicking in by April (I am excited and looking forward to them), and I will be able to devote more time to existing clients. It will not be a second too soon. I need more free time badly. And more sleep.

I’ve really been very fragile lately. I’m always very responsible. When I am working for others I always get the job done pronto with high quality from taking extra pains and attention to detail on my part, and that’s still in place and functioning, but it sometimes gives people the impression that I am also sturdy and stable. Not so. It was never the case under the best of conditions, but lately I have been overwhelmed by all the stuff and it’s been getting the better of my nerves. Yesterday I was near exhaustion and planned to take the evening completely off. My husband cooked his easy pasta, which accidentally got dumped in the sink when draining it (I really shouldn’t let that stress me out. I mean, who cares, really? But I am blaming myself because I was too lazy and tired to cook. When I'm stressed I can't take kitchen disasters), but we ate it anyway. What’s a few coffee grounds mixed in? Just kidding there. It tasted fine and I would have gone hungry without him or had raisins for dinner.

Then we sat down to watch a video, and were maybe half through it when my friend called and needed a therapeutic talk. She had just come from a funeral/memorial service. I am doing my best to be there for other people, but the truth is that I have a very poor shoulder right now. It will crumble under the slightest pressure. I do not intend to let my friends down and run them off. If I do that, what will be left? Besides, I do care, and was very saddened by the person’s passing too, but I was a basket case by the end of the talk, I am just not strong now. The tension headache I had been fighting all week was in full-bloom, and I was completely frazzled and starting to break out in hives. A rapid walk around the block in the fresh night air helped a little after having a tantrum, and with assistance from a Xanax, a couple of ibuprophen, and sleeping with my head on an ice-pack I was able to get up at 5 and be at work at 7:30. Things that did no good at all but were expected to help: hot bubble bath, glass of wine.

Taking life in half-hour segments.

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