Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Bauering Inferno

Behold the Power of Bauer! 24 Church begins tonight with a 2 hour episode followed by another 2 hours Monday night.

24 = one of my guiltiest pleasures.

The list of Jack Bauer facts at the end of the post is a concept based on Chuck Norris facts. To these I would add a few of my own 24 facts:

  • There are never any traffic problems in L.A.
  • Cell phone batteries stay charged forever.
  • Cell phones work, even in tunnels, during explosions, and after explosions.
  • People routinely go 24 hours without eating, sleeping, or going to the bathroom.
  • The President of the United States is never in the White House. He's always out in California in what looks like an ordinary office complex. *
  • You do not want to be Jack Bauer's friend, esp. girlfriend.
  • It is not un-manly to carry a purse.

Top 24 Jack Bauer Facts... [LINK]
  1. Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a fucking terrorist.
  2. Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
  3. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
  4. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  5. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  6. The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
  7. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  8. There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.
  9. They say you can't go a day without water, Jack Bauer has gone five seasons.
  10. Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.
  11. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.
  12. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.
  13. When life hands Jack Bauer Lemons, he kills Terrorists. Jack Bauer fuckin' hates lemonade.
  14. As a boy, Jack Bauer interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the location and contents of each hidden egg.
  15. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  16. After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.
  17. Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"
  18. A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walked into a bar... and Jack Bauer is going to find out why...
  19. Superman has Jack Bauer pajamas.
  20. Jack Bauer has no friends, because as a child when he would play cops and robbers, the robbers would all be interogated and killed.
  21. Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  22. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
  23. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  24. On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.
* right off the bat, they violate this fact and show the Oval Office. Gah!
Tags: -


Ellie said...

I saw that the Alamo Draft House is having the TV party. Are you two going. I'm all set for my own TV viewing stretched out on the couch.

Blueberry said...

Nah! We are going to stay home, do our own cooking and avoid the bar tab.

JohnnyB said...

Thanks for both 24 lists - they were hillarious.

I too, I am sad to say, enjoy watching 24.

Nava said...

I am greatly amused by this never-a-dull-moment-no-matter-what heavy breathing series.

Watched the first and second time with bated breath, but after that it just became funny.

Loved your list!
But why is this one duplicated:
"When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back."?
Did she lose her virginity twice?

Blueberry said...

At least twice, yes. There was a kid close to her age, then later she had a man older than her dad.

Nava said...

I must have lost track...
Kids these days, they grow so fast, Eh?
And it's only Day 6.