I need a remote that does garden chores

I have been left home alone for a couple of days while MrB visits his family in St. Louis. Even for for 2-3 days, there's a long list of "what to do and how to do it" that I've had to write down or remember. One of them is strictly for my limited entertainment purposes, and that is how to operate the TV and its playback peripherals. He is in charge of that system, and I do the computers. When I put a DVD in the computer, it reads the disk, the controls appear, and TA-DA, it starts playing!! What a concept. But, if I want to watch something on a much bigger screen with better speakers and a comfy couch -- it's another story.

Usually he has charge of the remotes, because the way things operate is always being tweaked, I can't keep up with it, so I quit trying. We sat down together before he left and I took notes on how to simply watch a DVD or the TV.

A DVD requires 3 remotes. (A), (B), and (C). Using (A), press POWER, then TV/VIDEO gets pressed 5 times until the right screen appears. Using (B), press the DVD/LD button, then the RECEIVER button, the the SOURCE button gets pressed until the right screen appears. Using (C), press POWER, and make sure that the VCR/DVD button is pushed instead of the TV/VCR button or the controls won't work (I learned that on my own). Insert the disk using the OPEN/EJECT button. The DVD can be controlled by (C), and has fairly clearly understandable controls, but (C) does not control volume, you can use (B) for controls as an option. Remote (B) gives me laughing fits, because it has a bazillion tiny buttons (as they all do) but these are really not marked well, or require bright lights and magnification. It has 4 colored buttons in a row. Green means STOP, and red is PLAY (not the logical color choices!!!), yellow is PAUSE and we don't know what blue is for. I'm writing all this stuff down, which covers a whole sheet of paper, and am thinking it would be easier to launch an ICBM than play a DVD, except that for nuclear missiles it takes 2 people to turn the keys (and don't even ask how to play or record VHS on that system, because I don't know. I use the simpler machine upstairs... and yes, we don't have TIVO). I muddled through the process, and Orlando Bloom was before my eyes before I knew it.

The other thing I have to do daily, and this is not in the category of entertainment, is to venture out into the backyard, which is very jungle-y because of all the rain we had this summer, and change the water in the bird baths. Seriously... it is very overgrown and rather dense. I'm proud of it, don't get me wrong, my MrB is a wonderful green and wildlife habitat gardener, but I can't be out there more than a couple of minutes before I'm being assaulted by something.

Usually it's a swarm of mosquitoes, or sharp pointy plants, or it could be an assault of the eyeballs as in the case of having TWO huge Argiope spiders living back there. Here they are in their glory and zippers.

The worst part of discovering a spider for a spiderphobe like me is trying to confirm its identity on the internet using Search Images. Aaaaaooooohhhaaaahhhcckk!!! The only thing worse than the hairy legged shots are the ones showing the results of brown recluse bites. At least some of the pages have unintentionally humorous random-generated ads, such as "Get Spider Ringtones", "Find Spiders on eBay", and "Top Deals on Spider Webs"

When I was over at Blockbuster picking out some vids tonight, there... attached to the black wire racks holding the movies... was a pretty large spider. It was dead, I believe, and I am not one to poke spiders, and after googling hideous spider close-up pictures tonight, I think it might be a Hobo Spider -- which IS venomous. Right there on the racks at Blockbuster.

I just might freak right out this weekend. Help!