Saturday, December 16, 2006

Things That Hallmark Cards Don't Say

My friend sent me these today. Many of us have been card-shopping lately, and doesn't it get frustrating sending cards to people with insincere greetings on them?

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you...
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
(ed. BS, that should be available in more places, believe me)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ...
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

4 comments:

niCk (Mem Beth) said...

LOL. Those are great.

Oh BTW, You've been Tagged

;-)

Nava said...

Love them!!!

As I have just complained to MichaelBains: Between you and him and Neil Shakespeare, with all that good-cause content of your blogs, caused me to go political on my own blog...

And now you switch to greeting cards?!

Undeniable Liberal said...

HAAAAAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
(ed. BS, that should be available in more places, believe me)"

Had to wipe the spit out beer from my monitor after that one.

Blueberry said...

I had a great-uncle who was related in 2 different ways: He was my grandfather's brother and he married my grandmother's cousin... so her brother-in-law was also her cousin by marriage. Also, one woman married two of my uncles, so the kids really did have an Uncle Dad... and that's in name only... we don't know who some of their fathers really were.