Saturday, October 04, 2008

Get your stinking paws off my new car, you damned dirty ape!

To: My no-account devil-spawn Catholic, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, agnostic former friend or relative
From: Heaven
Subject: I told you so: You've been left behind

Say the Rapture happens. OK... how do you get in that final "See, I was right"? The website linked above will take care of it for you, and for $40 per year you can store your documents that you want released after you leave to as many as 12 hellbound heathens (they recommend storing sensitive financial info). Also, send out emails to 62 people of your choice.

Why bother? The site explains it this way:
Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next.

Messages are sent out 6 days after the Rapture.

How do they know that the Rapture has happened? The e-mails will be automatically sent when 3 out of 4 designated couples who are likely to be Raptured fail to log in for six days in a row.

Send your sensitive financial documents to these people, and don't worry, they will be safe. They are Christians.

I'm thinking that a good alternate to this would be to just let your lawyer take care of it. Will lawyers be Raptured? Article at Wired via Glen Phillips' blog.

click to enlargeAnother site for us left behinders is "Advice for a NonRaptured World," which, unlike the above, seems to be a parody (although it's hard to tell sometimes - that's the beauty of it). They've got some great links, including Rapturewear (jewelry, shirts, dog tags, even handbags). Just a comment here... that butt-ugly purse is not going to Heaven with you. Just sayin'...

And don't think you can leave it behind for me either, I will accept cash but the purse goes to Goodwill.

Even better is this site, which offers Rapture diapers, wipes, power bars, and a couple of graphics which made me laugh out loud.


Nava said...

Ah, this is truly glorious! Emailing your friends after the Rapture. Sorry - gotta run now and send them all my financial info...

Oh - but wait! !I can't be Raptured, me not being a Christian. Ah well, maybe I'll just send them my credit card number anyway.

Blueberry said...

Might be better to get yourself listed as a recipient of the financial documents, provided you know someone who thinks they will be raptured. You never know, a computer glitch might send them out by mistake. heh heh... ooops.

Border Explorer said...

Holy Cow! This is certifiably creepy!