Monday, May 12, 2008

Barn Etiquette

This is from a bar's blog on MySpace. I'm reposting it since linking to MySpace blog posts seems to get tricky. The bar is called "The Barn" and is in Victoria, Texas. That's south of and in-between Houston and San Antonio, near the coast.
Things that the Bartenders think are funny.

Okay here are a couple of things that the Bartenders at the Barn think are funny.
  1. Women with really bad tits flashing the band. We know ya'll (bands) hate it but we get a kick out of watching you trying to avoid seeing them.
  2. This one we don't think is funny, but we really like it. Good looking band members who feel the need to take their shirts off. Okay, so this has never happened but you can't blame a girl for trying.
  3. Prissy girls from town who get brought into the bar by their country ass boyfriends and look totally terrified to be here. (Hint: girls leave the high heels and strapless dress at home and put some jeans on for christ's sake.)
  4. All the drunks who ride our horses. You will just have to come in and see for yourself what we are talking about. It's really hilarious when our horses manage to throw them off.
  5. The deer in the headlights look the lead singer gets when the "I just got out of jail this morning and forgot to shower" woman decides he is her next husband. Relax guys, we'll rescue you before she decides to give you another lap dance.
So here is some stuff we don't think is funny.
  1. Girls, there is no pole on the stage so stop dancing like there is one. Then you wonder why the men don't respect you!!!!
  2. We can serve beer just fine, so keep your drunk ass out from behind the bar.
  3. Drunk bitches who scream play Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry to Country bands who have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. After the 20th time take a hint!!! Their not going to play it.
  4. Drunks who jump on stage and grab the mike to announce how bad ass the band is. We know they're bad ass that is why we booked them.
  5. Trying to walk out with our horses. Get your own damn-it!!
  6. Ordering food and thinking you are at a fast food place. It takes longer than 5 minutes. The cook has PMS and very large knives. Do we need to say more.
  7. Women who think that we can hook them up with a band member. This is the truth, if they are interested in you, you don't need our help. If it is the good looking member who took his shirt off, back off bitch! We want him!!
  8. Ladies, we don't know which beer has the lowest carbs. Plain and simple, beer makes you fat if you drink enough of it. Terri and Angi are walking proof this is a fact.
Just a few things from the 4 women who run this M***** F*****!!!!

Actually, I think some of the stuff they don't think is funny is kinda funny too.


Utah Savage said...

This Texas bar could exist in almost every rural part of the country. There are rednecks everywhere and plenty of town girls out for a date in their high heels and strapless dresses. I lived with a musician who played in every "toilet" in Utah and the surrounding States. One thing the bartenders left out of the list is if a band member s girlfriend is sitting on a barstool cooling her jets until the band quits playing they can finally go home, and you are damn near fall down drunk asnd ask her to dance, and she says politely, "No thanks." and the you go into your "Think your too good to dance with me bitch," routine, get ready for the "bitch" to kick you in the groin and then say, "Sorry, it's a knee jerk reaction."

Blueberry said...

It's a classic place, isn't it? I grew up in dives (and worked in one too) -- a lot of them a step down from this place (with jukebox only).

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

My girlfriend has relatives who live near Victoria. Since they are rabid John Birch Republicans we hardly ever speak to them.

Blueberry said...

That's out there in the red badlands, I haven't even been there. I stay in the Austin City Limits a lot, where most of the wackos are either the fun kind, or outnumbered.

Went to Houston only once, to see the Lord of The Rings exhibit, which was absolutely awesome.

Freida Bee said...

I was a barback at a bar that was like that in Arkansas for a time.

Those lists are funny funny.